Episode #456 – How to Hold the Room – Lessons Learned On Stage

All right, welcome back to the Brilliant Balance podcast. Thanks for tuning in today. We’re gonna talk about how to hold the room, which I think that’s a pretty self-explanatory phrase. It’s the way I really think about presence, something that women get coached on a lot and maybe given feedback about a lot is, do we have presence? Do we lack presence? Do we know how to wield that presence in a way that elicits the results that we want?

And so while mostly I think about holding a room when I am in an engagement as a speaker, because it’s really everyone’s expecting you to have to hold the room as a speaker, I think that what I’m gonna share today realistically applies well beyond that. You might think about times when you are leading an important meeting. You’re sort of the person at the head of the table. Or when you are presenting in a work setting or elsewhere and you have to stand up and deliver something, maybe that has slides, maybe that doesn’t. But you’re the presenter, even if it’s not a speaking event. Another one I thought about was interviews, when you are the person being interviewed and you want the job and you have to create an impression and sort of hold the room, the energy of the room, in a high-stakes moment like that.

So what I’m going to share today really should translate into any of those environments, but I’m specifically going to come at this through the frame of speaking because that’s a place where I have a lot of experience. I do a lot of speaking work in this phase of my career.

And I think because it is such a terrifying experience for so many people—I think it’s still the number one fear among adults, at least American adults, is public speaking. Because it’s such a fear, I think breaking down some of the maybe lesser-known elements of that experience and things that I’ve observed and learned from my vantage point as a speaker can be helpful in creating some ease in these environments. And in fact, ease is what we really need in order to hold the room.

Okay, so let’s get into it with a little bit of a story.

When I was reflecting on things to share during this episode, I thought back to the first ever live event that I was hosting as part of this business. I had wanted to do live events for a while. We had done an event for alumni of one of my earlier coaching programs, and that felt a little bit different. It felt a little bit more like a reunion. I was so delighted to do it, and I think I got enough momentum from that reunion-like event, sort of an insider’s event, that I decided to do my first open event where we were going to sell tickets and have people come. This was, I think, circa 2019.

We rented a space, sold the tickets, and my team had everything set up. I remember being very careful about what I was going to wear and whether it was on brand and all those things. I walked out onto this stage, and it was in a converted church. The space used to be a church, and it had these soaring ceilings and a big loft where you could host cocktails afterward or whatever. It had terrible acoustics because all of the sound went straight up into this giant ceiling. There was a lot of wood that was echoey, so none of this is relevant to the story. It’s just what I remember about the visceral experience of being there that day.

The way we’d designed the day, I was going to do an opening keynote, and then we were going to get into more workshop sessions as the day went on. So I took the stage to do this opening keynote, and my team was standing at the edges of the room, and we had a DJ or sound guy who played music.

I delivered the keynote, and it was terrible. When I tell you it was terrible, I mean it’s probably the worst I’ve ever done on stage in my whole life. And I’ve been on stage since I was very young.

It was awful. I came off the stage, and I knew it was awful. I walked over to a couple of people on my team who were trying to reassure me that it wasn’t awful, that it was fine, that maybe I was a little stiff, but it was really okay.

But I knew in my bones that it was awful. I literally cried. I got myself pulled together and recovered enough to continue moving through the agenda as planned. To my credit, I did shake it off and keep moving, but it had been so stilted, and it was so scripted.

Later that day, we found ourselves running a little ahead of schedule, and my team said, “Why don’t you just do a Q&A? Go on stage and ask who has a coaching topic or something they need coaching on.”

So I said, “Okay, fine.” I do impromptu Q&A all the time in group coaching calls, so that wasn’t something that scared me. I got up on stage. There was no podium. I was just standing in the center of the stage, and I don’t even think I had a microphone.

I said, “All right, what’s on your mind? What topics do we want to cover today?”

People started asking questions, and I came completely alive. I was animated and funny and present and spontaneous. It was like a whole different person had shown up on that same stage.

By the time I came off the stage that time, my team wasn’t comforting me. I didn’t need comforting. I felt great, they felt great, and the energy in the room had skyrocketed. They looked at me and said, “That. Do that. More of that.”

They knew what it was. They knew it was a superpower. We didn’t necessarily have a name for it at the time. I don’t know that I had this insight then, or I probably wouldn’t have blown the opening keynote so dramatically.

Here’s what I eventually figured out. It wasn’t nerves that had ruined the opener. I think my team was trying to say, “It’s okay, you were nervous. It’s your first event.” I wasn’t really nervous. Or maybe I had been before it started. What I was was over-scripted.

I had written down every word of that talk. It was my narrative of what a keynote was supposed to be that got in my way. Something about the word keynote put me into this headspace that I should have everything scripted.

So while I wasn’t necessarily reading it, I was very committed to delivering it exactly as written. I was trying to deliver a predefined piece of content when my whole skill set is creating on the fly.

That’s really why podcasting works for me, because my whole skill set is creating an experience out of thin air. And that becomes 50 times better when it’s a two-way engagement, when I’m live in the room with people in front of me.

The script that I had so carefully created didn’t feel like protection. It felt like a cage. I wanted to say things that naturally came to mind, but I couldn’t because I felt like I had to stay on script or I’d lose my place.

That fear of losing my place or not saying it exactly the way I’d written it down was what created an absolutely terrible talk.

What I learned from doing that improvisational Q&A was that the ability to read the room and respond to it—to leave yourself room to be flexible and meet the moment—is what allows you to really have presence and hold the room.

When you’re trying to deliver something you decided in advance exactly how to say, people can sense that.

Not just in public speaking, but anytime you have the floor. If it sounds like you’re just pulling notes out of your pocket, people feel it.

That’s why I always struggle with award shows. Someone wins an award, knowing they had a chance of winning, and then they pull out this completely scripted speech to read.

The people who speak from the heart in the moment are almost always the ones who give the better acceptance speeches.

Yes, write down the names of people you don’t want to forget. Have an outline that keeps you within your time limit. But having every word written down usually becomes more constricting than helpful.

I’ve now given hundreds of keynotes. I actually try not to call them keynotes anymore because I don’t want the mental shackles that come with that label.

I’ve been on stage hundreds of times, and I want to take you inside what I’ve actually learned from standing at the front of the room.

This isn’t the kind of thing you’ll hear in a presentation skills class. It’s what I’ve learned through real-world experience—what I’ve observed, what I’ve trained myself to stop doing, and what people are less likely to tell you before you walk into your own high-stakes moment.

Whether you’re walking onto a stage or simply showing up in a room that matters, I hope these lessons are valuable.

The first thing that’s critically important is this: speaking is a two-way conversation.

Yes, even if you’re giving a keynote.

Even if people aren’t speaking back with their mouths, they’re speaking with their eyes, their body language, and their attention. Sometimes, if you do it right, they’ll even respond out loud.

The audience isn’t passive. They aren’t invisible. You’re in a conversation with them.

You can also listen to this as an audience member, because being a good audience member is critically important. You’re part of the conversation whether you realize it or not.

Body language is participation.

If people are nodding, smiling, leaning in, writing something down after you make an important point, or taking a picture of your slide, those are all signs of engagement.

All of it registers.

So does multitasking.

So does disengagement.

If someone is doing work, checking their phone, or otherwise distracted, the speaker knows exactly what’s happening.

You get more from a speaker when you give them more. That energy is reciprocal.

The next meeting you’re in, notice what you’re giving as a participant.

Are you making eye contact? Are you offering nonverbal encouragement? Are you engaged enough to take notes at key moments?

That will bring out the very best in the person speaking.

And if you’re the speaker, you’re watching for those signals because they’re real-time feedback on how it’s going.

If you look around the room and everyone is checked out, you have one job: get their attention back.

Ask a question. Do a show of hands. Do anything that creates engagement, because if you’ve lost them, they can’t hear the message you’re there to deliver.

So notice what you’re giving as an audience member. What you bring into the room changes what’s possible within it.

When you walk onto a stage or step to the front of the room, remember that you’re in a two-way dialogue, even if no one else says a word.

The second point is that there are things I can see from the stage that you don’t realize I can see.

The biggest one is engagement.

It’s the multitasking. It’s the person who’s physically present but mentally somewhere else.

Another is the actively disgruntled person.

Some of us know we have to watch our facial expressions, but if you’re giving the speaker a skeptical look, rolling your eyes, or communicating that you think what they’re are saying is nonsense, that’s visible.

Less experienced speakers—and honestly, I’m still unlearning this myself—will bend over backward trying to win that person over.

But that’s not the speaker’s job.

The speaker’s job isn’t to convince every single person in the audience.

At the same time, we’ll do almost anything for the person who’s genuinely there.

If you’re giving me encouraging nods, taking notes, and clearly engaged, then you come up afterward, you could probably ask me for my firstborn child and I’d say yes, because those little bits of energy matter so much.

Holding the room takes energy, and when someone feeds a little of that energy back from their seat, it makes a tremendous difference.

If you’re trying to build rapport with someone on stage, simply giving them that encouragement is a game changer.

The room tells you everything very early on.

Many speakers haven’t trained themselves to really pay attention to the nonverbal feedback they’re receiving.

A few years ago, people started taking pictures of slides instead of writing notes.

If you suddenly see a bunch of phones come out, you’ve just landed an important point.

If people care enough to capture it, you’ve hit a mic-drop moment.

If your point isn’t even on the slide, but people suddenly pull out pens and start writing, that’s another mic-drop moment.

You know you’ve said something worth remembering.

As you’re developing content and trying to hold the room, those moments tell you what mattered.

You can circle back to them, reinforce them, and give them more airtime because you watched them land.

So here’s the translation.

Being a good audience member really matters.

It helps you get more from the speaker.

And when you’re finally the one standing at the front of the room, don’t let all of that visible audience behavior throw you off.

Someone will be answering an urgent email or finishing another presentation while you’re speaking.

Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Trust that it probably isn’t about you.

Then deliberately remove your attention from that person, because otherwise they can become a giant blinking red light that pulls your focus away while you’re trying to hold the room.

If you can learn to tune those people out and shift your attention back to everyone who is neutral to positive in their engagement, it becomes much easier to hold the room because you’re no longer distracted by trying to win someone over.

Okay. The third teaching point I would give you is this: connect before you teach, connect before you present, connect before you inform.

The question to ask before you open your mouth is not, What do I need to say?

It’s, What does this room need from me?

What do the people in this room need from me in order to establish a connection? How am I going to pull a thread from me to them?

Do you need to establish credibility because it’s a highly distinguished audience and they may wonder why they should listen to you? Or do you need to create warmth? Do you need to use a little humor? Do you need to be a little self-deprecating?

Most of us are trained to believe what we need is credentialing. We think our bio should come before us, listing where we went to school and all of our accomplishments. That’s supposed to establish why people should listen to us, and then we launch into the teaching.

I don’t think that’s what works best.

I think what works best is a human-to-human moment that breaks down the wall between the speaker and the audience.

Whether you’re a department director presenting to your organization or a keynote speaker hired for a conference, rapport and connection should come before content.

Anything you can do to communicate, Look at us—we have something in common, helps create that connection.

One of my favorite strategies is to have the person introducing you do some of that work for you.

This works especially well when you’ve been invited to speak somewhere new.

Instead of reading your bio, have them talk from the heart about why they invited you, why they chose you, or what impact you’ve had on them.

It might be, “I read her book,” or “My sister introduced me to her podcast.”

People often say things like, “I heard Cherylanne speak at another event, and one thing she said stayed with me. When I had the opportunity to bring in a speaker, I knew exactly who I wanted.”

Or they’ll say they’ve listened to the podcast for years, they find themselves quoting episodes, or even that their kids recognize my voice.

That kind of introduction creates connection.

Maybe you were sorority sisters. Maybe you worked together years ago. Those personal stories are much more powerful than someone reading a formal bio.

Think about this in a job interview, a sales conversation, or your first meeting with a new team.

Connection before credentialing is almost always the better order.

We tend to think we need to impress people with our accomplishments first, but connection makes people care much more about everything that follows.

The next thing I want to say about holding the room is the mistake I made in my opening story.

Over-scripting is a trap.

The best version of you is not the most scripted version.

I know it feels safer because a script feels like a safety net.

As a writer, it’s tempting for me to write down exactly what I want to say.

But if I’m reading it, you can hear the difference in my voice.

If I simply know my key points and let the words emerge naturally, people feel that.

That’s how we actually speak to one another.

When someone stands up and reads exactly what they wrote, they have to be extraordinarily gifted to make it sound natural.

Actors do that every day. They’re delivering prewritten lines as though they’re having those thoughts for the first time.

That’s a very different skill.

If you’re speaking because you’re knowledgeable about your subject and you’re sharing your own ideas, let go of the belief that everything has to be scripted.

Know the points you need to make.

Know the sequence.

Then let your words come naturally.

That allows you to respond to what’s happening in the room.

You can reference something that happened before you came on stage or respond to the energy you’re feeling in the moment.

You can’t do that if you’re tied to a script.

Holding the room requires presence.

You demonstrate presence by responding to what’s actually happening.

Know your content inside and out.

When you know your subject deeply, you can explain it in many different ways.

If you need to follow an exact script to get your point across, you probably don’t know the material well enough yet.

Hold the delivery loosely.

The last point I want to explore is that preparation is really about your mindset, not your words.

Get your head in the game.

Do whatever helps calm your nervous system instead of spiraling about being nervous.

Often what activates us is unfamiliarity.

It’s the unfamiliar room.

The unfamiliar people.

If you’re walking into a job interview and you’ve never met the interviewer before, that unfamiliarity is a big part of what creates anxiety.

The same thing happens when I speak at a new venue with people I’ve never met.

My body recognizes that it’s unfamiliar.

So I have to help my body settle down so my mind can do its job.

One of my biggest tips is to arrive early.

Don’t walk in five minutes before you’re supposed to speak.

If possible, spend time in the room beforehand.

If I’m speaking in another city, I’ll sometimes visit the venue the night before just to experience the space.

If that’s not possible, I arrive early enough to walk around the room.

Stand where you’ll be presenting.

Sit where the audience will sit.

See what they will see.

Check the slides.

Notice whether there’s glare from a window or anything else that might affect your presentation.

You’ll only notice those things if you’re physically there.

Arriving early also gives you a chance to build rapport before you ever speak.

Talk with people.

Say good morning.

Have a casual conversation over coffee.

Those people will become some of your most engaged audience members once you begin.

If possible, avoid hiding behind a podium.

Remove the physical barrier between you and the audience.

Stand, move, take up space.

That immediately creates more connection.

Many people, especially women, want the podium because it feels like protection.

I’ve been there.

It feels like somewhere to hide.

But you give up a tremendous amount of presence and power when you do that.

I’m going to go deeper into the practical side of this in my Sunday Substack—things like what to wear, how to manage a clip-on microphone, what clothing choices make microphones difficult, what to do with your hair, what to eat, and other behind-the-scenes lessons that make high-stakes days easier.

For now, trust me.

Don’t hide behind something.

If it’s an important event, arrive early.

Walk the space.

Talk to people.

Reduce the unfamiliarity so your brain doesn’t have to spend energy adjusting to a new environment.

You want your mental energy focused on the message you’re there to deliver.

So here’s the recap.

Get there early.

Become familiar with the room.

Build rapport before you ever step on stage.

Connect before you teach.

Don’t over-script.

Trust that you know your material and that you’ll find your words.

Give yourself an outline instead of a script so you can sound conversational.

People naturally listen more closely to someone who sounds like they’re having a real conversation.

And remember that speaking is a two-way exchange.

The audience is constantly communicating with you through their nonverbal responses.

If you invite them in with questions and interaction, they’ll give you even more.

That’s how you truly hold the room.

Learn from my first event.

Looking back, I broke almost every one of these rules.

I stayed backstage until it was time to speak.

I didn’t walk the room.

I didn’t meet people beforehand.

The introduction was formal and heavily focused on credentials.

I stood behind a podium.

I delivered prepared remarks.

The whole thing felt completely flat.

Then I came back for the Q&A, let myself be fully present, and suddenly both I and the audience came alive.

That’s what we’re aiming for.

That’s how you hold the room.

Take these ideas with you into whatever high-stakes moments you have ahead of you.

Maybe it’s an interview.

Maybe it’s a presentation.

Maybe it’s an important meeting.

Allow the script to disappear.

Trust yourself.

Show up with the room, the people in it, and enough confidence to be in the conversation instead of performing it.

That’s what I want for you.

If you’d like to learn more about the practical side of preparing for high-stakes moments—what to wear, managing microphones, hair, food, and all those details—I’ll be covering that in Sunday’s Substack.

Thank you for joining me today.

This was a little bit of a different angle from our usual conversations.

And if you’re planning an event and looking for a speaker, I’d love for you to consider inviting me.

The link to my speaker page is in the show notes.

There’s a short reel you can watch from one of my events, along with information about booking and scheduling a conversation.

I’d love the opportunity to work with your company, organization, or team.

Whether you’re looking for a keynote, a workshop, a coaching roundtable, or a fireside chat, those are all formats I genuinely enjoy.

In particular, I love moderated conversations where someone interviews me on stage and we can bring audience questions into the discussion.

If that sounds like something your organization is considering, I’d love to talk.

Thanks for tuning in today.

Until next time, let’s be brilliant.