Episode #454 – Am I being selfish? Listener Questions Answered

Welcome back. Hi, everyone. If you caught last week’s episode, which was called They’re Watching How You Treat Yourself, then you know the basic premise that I’m getting into today with this episode, which is called Am I Being Selfish?

I’m answering some listener questions today. Last week, we talked about how, especially our kids—but really the people around us—are absorbing our behaviors around self-care. Whether we mean for them to do that or not, whether we want them to or not, they’re not really listening to what we’re saying as much as they are watching what we actually do.

So that sparked some questions, and today I’m going to pick up where I left off in last week’s episode. Because if I know that people are watching, then what happens when I actually try to change my behavior and start to get a little bit of feedback? What happens when I start taking care of myself in some visible way and someone somewhere makes me feel like garbage for it?

And that’s what today’s episode is really about. This is a Dear Cherylanne-style episode where I’m taking the opportunity to answer questions submitted by listeners through the website.

If you don’t know about Dear Cherylanne, it’s a feature we added recently on the website, and I’ll put the link in the show notes. There’s a button that says, ironically, “Dear Cherylanne.” It’s a place where you can simply submit a question that I can answer in one of these episodes or through some other type of content.

It’s really great for me because then I know what’s on your mind and what specific nuances of these subjects would be helpful for me to unpack. It just makes the episodes a lot more fun.

I haven’t done one of these since the boundaries episode, which, by the way, you guys really like. I could probably do another boundaries episode with more listener questions because the specific ways we struggle to set boundaries—and with whom we struggle to set them—became very evident through those questions.

I think the same thing is true here. We’re going to talk about four different questions today that, on the surface, seem pretty different. One is about a workout situation, one is about a girls’ trip, one is about a hobby.

But underneath it all, I think they’re really asking the same question:

How do I get my own needs met without becoming the villain in somebody else’s story?

That’s a little tricky for us sometimes.

I don’t think the answer is simply, “Stop caring what people think.” I actually think that’s terrible advice because none of us know how to do it, and no one in the history of the world has ever completely succeeded at saying, “I just don’t care at all.”

All the people who say, “My life changed when I stopped caring what people think”—I think that’s really a matter of degrees. To some extent, yes, caring less or giving less weight to other people’s opinions is a life skill we’re trying to build around here.

But I don’t think we want to become someone who doesn’t care at all about what other people think.

The whole idea behind being able to take care of yourself in a way that benefits both you and the people around you is the focus of the masterclass I’m teaching in July.

Before I get into these questions, let me remind you that the masterclass is coming up on July 10. You still have time to register. You need to be in the Coaching Circle to attend, and we’re going to do a 90-minute deep dive—not just into what it means to take care of yourself, but how to actually do it.

What barriers keep showing up? What gets in your way? What makes you say, “I’m going to do this,” and then not actually do it?

I’ve worked with enough women, with enough different personality types, Enneagram types, work situations, and home situations, to know what the common barriers are.

What are the things getting in your way from doing what you already know is good for you? Because when something is good for you, it tends to have a spillover effect into the rest of your life. There’s a positive return on investing time and energy into these practices.

I want to help you define what those practices are for you, what’s creating resistance, and we’ll workshop the actual specifics of your life.

Then we’ll look at proven ways to move through that resistance so you actually do the thing.

That’s what we’ll cover in the class.

Two weeks later, we’ll do a coaching call where you can tell me everything that went wrong. I tried it. Here’s what went right. More importantly, here’s what didn’t go so well. What do I do next?

Then I get to be in dialogue with you and help you figure out the next step.

Because that’s how real change happens. You practice, you get feedback. You practice, you get feedback. You do that over and over again, and you change your life.

So get yourself signed up for the masterclass on July 10. The link is in the show notes.

Okay, let’s get into today’s questions.

The first listener question says:

“I’ve started waking up an hour earlier to work out before the kids get up. It’s honestly been a game changer for my mood. But my husband made a comment last week about how nice it must be to have an hour to myself, and now I feel like I have to defend it every time my alarm goes off. How do I hold on to this new practice without it becoming a whole thing?”

I love this question.

You might see yourself in this one. Obviously, I shared in the last episode how working out in the morning has been such a routine in my life that my kids had a front-row seat to it. It’s actually become one of their treasured childhood memories—coming downstairs and sometimes being part of that routine with me.

Here’s what I would say to this listener.

First of all, the workout isn’t actually the issue. What you’re doing with that time isn’t the issue.

The issue is that the hour now seems to require a legal defense every morning. It feels like you’re in a debate where you have to re-earn and re-defend your decision to take that hour.

I want you to notice the difference between two phrases:

“Is this okay with you?”

and

“I need this.”

Think about the difference.

“I need this hour in the morning to work out and feel like a human. I love it, and I need it.”

Contrast that with:

“Is it okay with you if I take an hour in the morning to work out?”

Those are not the same conversation.

One implies that permission is required and invites a vote. You’re making a request.

The other states a need.

When you ask, “Is it okay with you?” you’re creating a parent-child dynamic where someone else gets to approve or deny your decision.

When you say, “I need this,” you’re stating a plan.

“I’m going to be up at five. I’ll be back by six. I need this time.”

That’s different.

And it gets closer to what’s really happening here.

The other thing I’d consider is whether this time changes the division of labor at home.

If this is a peak period where toddlers are waking up and suddenly your partner is handling something they weren’t handling before, then that’s a different conversation.

You can still say, “I need this. Here’s the plan,” while acknowledging the reality of who’s covering things during that hour.

This is Strategically Selfish 101.

You’re choosing a hill to die on. You’re saying, “This matters to me.”

You’re not over-explaining it. You’re simply recognizing that it has a high return and deciding it’s important enough to protect.

So rather than defending it, I’d encourage you to state it as a need rather than asking for permission.

Okay, second question:

“I finally planned a weekend trip with my college girlfriends. It’s the first one in four years. The second I told my kids, my eight-year-old said, ‘You’re leaving us for three whole days?’ And I almost canceled. I went, but I spent half the trip managing my own guilt instead of relaxing. How do I get better at the second part?”

Isn’t it wild that one offhand, totally natural comment from an eight-year-old can undo months of planning?

That’s evidence of how powerful the good-mom script really is.

I want to distinguish between a child expressing emotion and a child actually being harmed.

Kids express emotion.

The child saying, “You’re leaving us for three whole days?” is expressing a feeling.

No harm is occurring.

They’re telling you how they feel.

So rather than trying to fix that feeling, get curious about it.

“Tell me more.”

“What does three days feel like?”

Maybe they’re excited. Maybe they think Dad is going to let them do all sorts of things. Maybe Grandma is coming. Maybe they’re genuinely going to miss you.

If that’s the case, that’s not a bad thing. It means you’ve built a strong relationship.

They should like having you around.

That still doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go.

The key distinction is that the child is expressing emotion, not saying, “You’re harming me.”

One thing that can help is being clear about your intention before you leave.

“This trip is important to me, and here’s why.”

“When I come back, here’s what we’ll do together.”

You can plan FaceTime calls or check-ins so they have a sense of the whole experience.

What I hear in this question isn’t guilt in the truest sense.

Guilt usually comes from believing you’ve done something wrong.

In this case, you’ve made someone’s life different for three days—not worse, just different.

They’re responding to the difference.

Meanwhile, you may be spiraling into a story that they’re being harmed.

They’re not.

They’re having a novel experience, and so are you.

That distinction matters.

Third question:

“Before kids, I used to play music. It was a huge part of who I was. I picked it back up recently, and it’s the first thing in years that really feels like mine. But I find myself hiding that time—grabbing my guitar after everyone’s asleep and downplaying it if someone asks what I did this weekend—because it feels indulgent to have a hobby when I have three kids and a full-time job. Is that just how it has to be?”

First of all, I’m jealous of anyone with musical talent.

I love that this hobby found its way back into your life.

The phrase that stands out to me is: “It really feels like mine.”

Hiding something that brings you joy is a clue.

It suggests that some part of you has decided this isn’t allowed.

But I want to distinguish between privacy and secrecy.

Privacy says:

“This is mine. I don’t want everyone involved in it.”

That’s okay.

Secrecy says:

“I’m ashamed of this.”

“I don’t think I’m supposed to be doing it.”

Those are very different.

If you’re protecting it because you want it to remain your own, that’s one thing.

If you’re hiding it because you believe having a hobby is somehow wrong, that’s another.

I would encourage you to notice which one is operating here.

You might even mention it casually and see what happens.

People may be more supportive than you think.

Hobbies are often the first thing to disappear when life gets crowded, and they’re usually the last thing to return.

I see this all the time when women move into an empty-nest stage. It can feel almost illicit to bring hobbies back.

There’s a voice saying, “Shouldn’t I be doing something more productive?”

But hobbies matter.

For me, a hobby is something you do purely for the joy of it—not because it’s useful, profitable, or productive.

It’s just for you.

Those things deserve space in our lives.

Fourth question:

“My kids are teenagers now, so technically they need me less day to day. But when I try to take time for myself, I get hit with a different kind of guilt. These are the last years they’ll be home. Shouldn’t I be soaking up every minute? How should I think about this differently than when they were little?”

This resonates deeply with me.

The guilt doesn’t disappear.

It just changes shape.

When kids are little, the story is:

“They need me.”

When they’re older, the story becomes:

“I’m running out of time.”

It’s almost less guilt and more fear of missing out.

The reframe I’d offer is that presence looks different with teenagers.

It’s less about being available every second and more about being available when they are available.

Teenagers have full lives.

They have friends, activities, jobs, sports, and commitments.

As their worlds expand, we have an opportunity to let ours expand too.

I’ve watched friends re-engage with volleyball, tennis, golf, cooking programs, and all kinds of interests as their children grew older.

One friend became certified as a chef through a local community college while raising teenagers.

As our children gain independence, we get to reclaim some independence too.

I think it’s healthy for our kids to see that adulthood has a long arc.

There are seasons where parenting is all-consuming.

Then there are seasons where we reconnect with parts of ourselves.

Instead of seeing this as an either-or, I’d encourage you to think in terms of both-and.

How can you have a rich life of your own while still being available for the moments that matter most?

What I hear in this question isn’t really guilt.

It sounds more like grief—the awareness that this season won’t last forever.

Those are different emotions, and they require different responses.

These questions are so good.

As I’ve reflected on what comes up when we try to take care of ourselves and model a healthy, independent life for the people around us, I keep coming back to the distinction between guilt and judgment.

Sometimes we call it guilt, but what we’re really afraid of is judgment.

We’re worried someone will think we’re not a good mom, not a good partner, not a good person because we’re doing something for ourselves.

The people closest to us are often the ones whose opinions matter most—our children, parents, in-laws, siblings, neighbors, and colleagues.

When judgment comes from those relationships, it deserves dialogue.

We need to get curious and unpack what’s actually happening.

But if the judgment is coming from an invisible audience—social media followers, people from high school, random parents at school whom you never even talk to—I would worry a lot less about that.

That’s where we risk living for the camera instead of living the life that’s actually right for us.

If you can sort through the dynamics with the people closest to you and have some courageous conversations, you’ll create much more freedom to live the life you’re meant to live.

We’re going to explore all of this in depth during the July 10 masterclass.

I intentionally called it Being Strategically Selfish.

The title is a little provocative because we hate the idea of being selfish.

But what does it look like to be strategically selfish?

What does it look like to do the things that are genuinely good for you and, by extension, good for the people around you?

We’re going to move beyond the vague sense that you should be taking care of yourself and get into an actual plan.

How do you get what you need without inviting a fight?

How do you handle guilt when it shows up?

How do you decide what’s realistic and sustainable in your life?

If any of today’s questions resonated with you, that’s probably a sign the class would be worth your time.

We’ll spend about 90 minutes going deep into the material and then follow up two weeks later with a coaching call where you can bring questions about what happened when you implemented it in real life.

I hope you’ll join me.

I look forward to seeing you there.

The link is in the show notes.

That’s all for today, my friends.

Until next time, let’s be brilliant.