Episode #439: When Being Liked Becomes a Limiter

This is episode 439 of the Brilliant Balance podcast, and today I’m talking about when being liked becomes a limiter. Thanks for tuning in to today’s episode. I’ve been working on this one for a little while, kind of toying with this idea, and I’m really excited to share it with you today. I have a couple of different angles and ways in that we’re going to dig into, so settle in for a minute and let’s do this.

The premise of this episode is that I think, rooted in most women that I have ever met, is a pretty high need to be liked. I think it is indoctrinated or trained into us pretty early on as young girls, and then as teenagers, and then probably early in our careers, where approval really fuels achievement. Every time somebody tells us we’re doing a good job, or somebody warmly reacts to us or tells us that they like us in any way, we will do more of that. We will continue to repeat that behavior because it makes us feel liked.

I think that feels really good. The habits that helped you rise as a student and early in your career—being dependable, being accommodating, being likable—at some point along the path become the constraint that can keep you small. I think there’s a stage in life where we have to acknowledge that while we don’t want to reject approval outright—I still love being liked—we have to outgrow our dependence on it.

If we ever want to be fully evolved and fully expressed as our best selves, we’re going to have to outgrow that dependence on approval. There is a season of life when being liked is strategic. We need people to like us when we are children—they have to take care of us. And we sort of carry that into teachers liking us, bosses liking us, or clients liking us. We’re agreeable, we’re capable, we’re impressive. Getting that approval is like rocket fuel at that point.

But somewhere along the way, it starts to feel heavier. Our job becomes more about managing perception than it does about shaping outcomes—creating the outcomes that we want. I want you to think about when the last time was that you softened your opinion so no one felt uncomfortable. Maybe you changed your language a little bit, softened it just a touch so no one around you felt uncomfortable.

Or when was the last time you delayed making a decision you knew you needed to make because you didn’t want the backlash that might come with it? Or when was the last time you held your tongue—just swallowed something down—not because you were wrong and not because what you were going to say wasn’t true, but because you didn’t want to be disliked?

Now we’re at the heart of it. This whole episode is about that kind of drug of approval and what we need to do to get free from it so that we can really have what we want most. We’re going to talk about why approval was so powerful early on—what it got us. What happens at this inflection point somewhere in midlife. What we actually want. And how we get it. Then I want to talk about the hidden cost of continuing to chase approval at this stage and what we might have to shift about our identity in order to get free.

So buckle up. This is going to be a good one.

First, I want to talk about why approval was so powerful early on. For me, approval signaled belonging. It was the way I got doors to open. It’s the way I built my early network. It was how I protected my reputation. I think approval helped accelerate my progress. I got promoted. I made friends and found people to date and someone to marry. All of those things that we need approval for in early adulthood are about shaping ourselves into the person we think we need to be so that other people will like us or give us approval.

This is especially true for women who were high achievers early on. If you were a great student—I was a great student—that was kind of my identity. You can ask anybody I went to high school with. If you were a great athlete, a great actress or performer, or a musician—if you had a level of high achievement—then approval and performance probably got locked in early for you. Your need to have external approval and validation probably got locked in.

Those straight-A students, the rule followers—where high competence meets high compliance—we were really socialized to be impressive and pleasant. Because if you weren’t also managing your approval rating, so to speak, no one was going to like you.

We were counseled actively around this: don’t raise your hand too many times, don’t have all the answers, don’t always get the best grade. Those were things many of us who were great students were told. If you were the athlete, it was “other people need a turn—pass the ball.” Let other people have a chance to play. All of that was about keeping approval—keeping people liking us—as a second plate we had to keep spinning in addition to achievement.

So approval in that era wasn’t weak, and it wasn’t wrong. It was strategic. It helped us move forward and get ahead, but it didn’t necessarily help us grow into the most evolved version of ourselves.

There is a point in midlife where this shifts. Honestly, we no longer have to prove that we’re capable. We no longer have to get picked. We no longer have to earn entry into some circle. We are who we are. We have credentials. We have experience. We have resources.

The question becomes: are we still optimizing to be liked, or are we optimizing to forge our future direction? To claim power. To have influence—true influence. To make a difference in something we know something about. Because approval-oriented behavior and power-oriented behavior don’t always play nicely together.

If you’re governed by your need for approval, you’re going to seek consensus. It’s like the committee of approvers—you have to go to everybody to make sure they agree with what you’re doing. Whereas if you’re power-oriented or influence-oriented, you’re going to set the direction with or without consensus. You might get buy-in, but you don’t need every single person to bless every decision.

If you’re governed by approval, you’re going to avoid discomfort. Anything that feels like conflict or tension, you’ll avoid it. But if you’re power- and influence-oriented, you’re going to leverage that tension to move things forward. You’ll lean into conflict because you’re confident you can move through it.

Approval-oriented behavior often means explaining things excessively. You feel like you have to give all the context and get everyone’s buy-in. Whereas power and influence orientation says, “I’m just going to tell it like it is.” I’m going to speak plainly. You’re going to get the unvarnished truth. You may or may not like it.

Approval-oriented behavior also softens the edges of everything, and sometimes in doing so it dilutes the meaning. We lose the punch. Whereas someone oriented toward power and influence holds firm to a point of view. Even if it’s unpopular, they communicate it with conviction.

Another difference is managing optics versus shaping outcomes. Approval-oriented behavior manages optics—how will this look to others? Power-oriented behavior focuses on outcomes—what are we trying to accomplish?

This shift from approval orientation to power and influence orientation is where many of us get stuck. We might have one foot in each world and aren’t sure how to fully complete the transition because it’s scary. Some people will not like your decisions. Some relationships will recalibrate. You will be misunderstood.

The need to be understood is powerful. For me, context has been one of my favorite words. I want everyone to understand the whole story behind why I’m doing something. But if you want power and influence, you can’t always give everyone all the context. That’s a big shift.

Let me clarify what I mean by power. Power isn’t dominance or arrogance. It’s not steamrolling people. Power is aligned with influence. It’s the ability to move people to action, shape their thinking, and leverage the wisdom you’ve gained through years or decades of experience.

That influence is rooted in self-trust. It’s rooted in emotional steadiness and groundedness. It’s rooted in clarity and decisiveness—knowing what you mean and communicating it. And it’s rooted in a willingness to withstand disapproval. To tolerate someone saying, “I don’t agree with you.”

Power and influence say: I can survive not being liked—for a minute, for a week, or even forever by some people. That’s the freedom that’s on the table. Authority over yourself. Authority in your organization. Authority in your family.

If we can’t tolerate disagreement or disapproval, we won’t get there. So there is a real cost to continuing to chase approval at this stage of life.

If you’re still optimizing for approval instead of power and influence, you’ll recognize some behaviors: over-explaining, over-accommodating, and over-functioning. You rush in and handle everything yourself so everyone stays happy. But that drains your capacity and undermines your influence.

You’ll also notice some “unders”: under-challenging the status quo, under-claiming space, and often under-charging for your work. You become the safe, vanilla choice. People like you, but they’re not catalyzed by you.

At this stage of life, we want impact. We want legacy. We want freedom. Being wired for approval drains the energy required for influence and power, so we have to redirect that energy. And that is an identity shift.

The earlier identity says: I am valuable because I am pleasant and impressive, so everyone will like me. The new identity says: I am valuable because I see things clearly and I act courageously.

That means sometimes people won’t like what you say or do. But you move with clarity and confidence toward what is right for you, your organization, your family, and your people.

So I want you to consider: where are you in this cycle? What if you stopped needing everyone in the room to agree with you? What if you trusted that being respected mattered more than being adored?

This doesn’t mean becoming cold or uncaring. Of course we remain mindful of the impact our decisions have on others. But even good ideas don’t land perfectly right away. Sometimes people need time to catch up.

If you want to lead, you often have to move before others are ready.

Let me give you a few practical steps. First, notice where you are editing yourself. Stop softening what you really mean. Second, stop apologizing for clarity. Don’t apologize for asking for what you want or need.

Third, make one decision this week without polling everyone first. Just make the call. Next, let someone be disappointed for a minute. Learn to hold that tension.

And finally, separate discomfort from danger. Sometimes our nervous system interprets discomfort as danger. But discomfort doesn’t always mean danger. Often it just means you’re doing something new.

So this week, ask yourself: where can you choose influence where you would normally choose approval?

When you stop chasing approval, you gain a surge of energy you can redirect into power and influence. Everything becomes more honest. Decisions speed up. You develop an embodied sense of authority.

Interestingly, people often admire and respect you more when you stop trying to be admired. Admiration becomes a byproduct, not the goal.

Earlier in life we wanted access. Now we want authority. Earlier we wanted to be chosen. Now we want to do the choosing.

If that resonates with you, you’re ready for this transformation. Hit me up and tell me what you’re doing to move from approval to power.

You can respond to any of the emails we send if you’re on our weekly list. You can find me on social media—Instagram is @cskolnicki—or on LinkedIn.

I love hearing from you and learning what topics matter most so we can keep evolving together.

Thanks for tuning in today. That’s all for today, my friends. Until next time, let’s be brilliant.