Episode #442: Setting Boundaries That Actually Hold: Listener Questions Answered

This is episode 442 of the Brilliant Balance podcast. Today, we’re talking about setting boundaries that actually hold. I’m answering listener questions, which is a little twist on our normal format. So welcome back to the Brilliant Balance show. I’m so glad you decided to tune in today.

One last time before I get into our content for today, I want to take just a second to remind you about the workshop that Kate Northrup is hosting. It’s going on this week, and I don’t want you to miss it because we had Kate on the show two weeks ago.

Postscript: if you have not listened to the episode with Kate, maybe go back and take a listen to that one. She talked about becoming good with money, and I know that this is a subject that is on so many of your hearts and minds and takes up a lot of headspace. I think giving yourself a chance to sit in the guidance of someone who has made this their life’s work can be really important.

Kate takes a very particular approach to managing money. She actually connects it to nervous system regulation, which I think is intriguing and really unique.

If this is an area of your life that is causing a lot of stress or concern, I want to make sure that you get some support. Kate is definitely a pro who can do that. The link to register for that workshop—totally free, by the way—is in the show notes of this episode. And also, remember to take a listen to the interview I did with her a couple of weeks ago if you haven’t had a chance yet.

But today, what I want to talk about is boundaries. I did an episode on boundaries a few weeks ago—probably over a month ago at this point. I posted a few things on social about it and got some DMs about specific boundary issues.

I love it when people do this—when they send a question or ask for insight. It’s hard to handle these over social sometimes; I just don’t have a lot of capacity for it. But there were enough questions that came in on this topic that it became very clear to me that this is a hot-button issue for women. And I think it will be until the end of time.

There were some really unique angles in these questions, so I thought, let’s do a roundup and answer them. We actually asked our community—the coaching community, the women I work with every day—for a couple of extra ones, and we landed on five questions that are distinct from one another but take different angles on boundaries, particularly in a professional setting.

Okay, so the questions I’m going to go through today all look a little bit different on the surface. The people are in different roles, there are different companies involved, and different specific situations. But underneath it, there is a theme: how do we actually hold boundaries when it’s hard? When there’s a power dynamic at play, for example. Or when saying no doesn’t even feel like an option. Or when you’re the new person in the organization. Or when you’ve conditioned people not to expect boundaries from you and now you don’t know what to do about that.

These five questions are organized into boundary challenges. And here’s what I want you to hear:

Boundaries aren’t just about saying no. They’re about defining how you work—what you will and won’t do. Different situations require different strategies.

As you listen, notice which of these patterns you find yourself in. Which one feels the most familiar right now? And what can you learn from these listener questions that you can apply to your own life?

All right, the first one is about boundaries with a power imbalance. The question was: how do you set boundaries with senior leaders who ignore your preferences—like calling your personal phone after hours?

I’m sure this is relatable. And it’s tricky because it’s not just about behavior—it’s about hierarchy. The power imbalance is the challenge.

A lot of women—especially high performers and “grown-up good girls,” a category I definitely put myself in—default to thinking, “Well, they’re the boss.” Respect for authority wins out over the boundary, and the boundary starts to feel optional.

So I want you to think about this differently. This is not a communication problem or even a clarity problem. It’s an enforcement problem.

You’ve likely already stated your preference. But what hasn’t happened is that you haven’t made it easier for them to honor the boundary than to ignore it.

When there’s a power imbalance, that’s the key: make it easier to honor your boundary than to bypass it.

This reminds me of a client I had—a senior leader, top performer—who reported to a CEO who texted her constantly at night. He traveled a lot, was in different time zones, and she kept getting late-night messages. She had told him multiple times that evenings were tough because she was with her family and had young children. He would say, “I get it,” and then text her again the next night.

So we changed the strategy. Instead of repeating the request, she changed her response.

She had been responding every time. That was the pattern we had to break. A boundary only works when your behavior changes.

She stopped replying at night. Instead, she responded the next morning via email—her preferred mode—and said, “Just picking this up. Email’s the best way to reach me.”

No drama. No lecture.

Over time, he started sending emails instead of texts, or saying, “I’ll drop this here—you can respond tomorrow.”

That’s the coaching point: with a power dynamic, you don’t over-explain or negotiate. You train behavior through consistent action.

Consistency is everything. If you violate your own boundary, people will assume you don’t mean it.

The second question: what do you do when you can’t turn down more work, but it’s becoming unmanageable?

I kept getting stuck on the word “can’t.” But if we take it at face value—if you truly can’t say no—then the thought becomes, “I can’t hold a boundary.”

That’s what I want to challenge.

Maybe you can’t control the volume of work coming at you. But you likely can control something: the priority you give it, the pace, or the standard of excellence.

Instead of saying, “I can’t,” try:
“I’m happy to take that on. Can you help me understand where it fits relative to X, Y, and Z?”

You’re making the invisible visible.

Most people assume their leaders know how overloaded they are. They don’t. They’re not mind readers.

When you show your full workload, your leader is forced to make trade-offs. They will reprioritize.

You’re not refusing—you’re asking them to decide what matters most.

Sometimes a boundary isn’t about saying no—it’s about forcing clarity.

The third question: how do you handle colleagues who constantly reach out after hours?

This is similar to the first question, but it’s peers—not a boss—so the strategy is different.

This often reflects an unspoken cultural norm: that everyone is always on.

You won’t fix that with one awkward conversation. You shift it by resetting expectations and modeling behavior.

Start by responding the next morning. Or say, “I’ll look at this first thing tomorrow.” Or, “Is this urgent? If not, I’ll get to it tomorrow.”

Eventually, you can have a peer-level conversation: “Is this working for us? Do we want to be available 24/7, or create some off-limits time?”

At Procter & Gamble, we had a similar issue. We eventually landed on this norm: you can send messages anytime, but you can’t expect a response outside working hours.

That small shift made a big difference.

You don’t have to fight the culture—but you do have to stop reinforcing what doesn’t work for you.

The fourth question: how do you establish boundaries when you’re brand new in your job?

My favorite phrase here is: begin as you mean to go on.

When we’re new, we try to prove ourselves. We say yes to everything. We break all our boundaries—and set unsustainable expectations.

The first 30 to 60 days are your window. Boundaries are easiest to establish when people don’t yet know what to expect from you.

If you set them early, they become the norm.

For example, I had a boss who didn’t start work until 9 or 9:30 because she got her kids off to school. She set that expectation from day one. So we didn’t schedule early meetings.

That’s the power of starting strong: you teach people how to work with you.

The final question: how do you avoid taking on uncompensated work—like planning events or coordinating extras?

This happens a lot. These tasks are often framed as opportunities or honors—but they can drain your time without advancing your career.

You become the “go-to” person because you’re reliable. But the work may not be visible or rewarded.

The strategy here is the redirect.

For example:
“I’m heads down on [priority project], but I’m happy to help think through a plan if someone else can own execution.”

You contribute—but you don’t own it.

Sometimes, it also means saying no and trusting that it won’t hurt your reputation.

And remember: there’s often someone earlier in their career who would love that opportunity.

If we step back, all five scenarios involve boundaries—but each requires a different approach:

• Enforcement (with power dynamics)
• Visibility (when overwhelmed)
• Norm-setting (with peers)
• Proactivity (in new roles)
• Role protection (with extra work)

Here’s the takeaway:

If you don’t define your boundaries, your environment will define them for you.

Not because people are out to get you—but because people will take the maximum available.

So ask yourself: where are you hoping people will adjust instead of clearly defining how you operate?

That’s your next boundary to work on.

I’d love to hear how this goes for you. DM me on Instagram @cskolnicki and tell me what you tried.

Thank you for being here today. If this episode resonated, share it with a friend or colleague.

That’s all for today. Until next time, let’s be brilliant.