Episode #383 – Perception Gap: Why You don’t see yourself the way others see you

This is episode 383 of the Brilliant Balance podcast: The Perception Gap: Why You Don’t See Yourself the Way Others See You.

If you’re a longtime listener, you may have noticed that today’s episode features a brand-new intro and updated cover art. We are more than seven years into this podcast, and this is the first time we’ve changed the introduction. If you’re used to the original opening words, you may notice a bit of an evolution. We’re still deeply connected to the show’s heritage, but we’re also allowing ourselves to grow and evolve in alignment with the brand’s natural direction. In many ways, this new introduction is simply catching up with where the brand has already been heading.

If you skipped the intro, you might want to go back and listen. You’ll hear some new words and ideas that are coming to the forefront in this chapter of the brand.

A bit of a history lesson—I refer to the first fifteen years of my adult life as my corporate chapter. At the end of 2009, I left my corporate job, where I had spent all that time with the same company, and started my first business. That transition happened in December 2009. Eventually, I shut down that first business and evolved into the second one, which would go on to become Brilliant Balance.

At the beginning, I didn’t even have the Brilliant Balance name. That actually emerged from a branding exercise when we were launching the podcast. That’s when everything snapped into focus under that brand name—over seven years ago. In all that time, we’ve only changed the cover art once, and this is now the second update. We had never changed the intro before, so this feels like a bit of a refresh—an exciting beginning to a new era for the show. I’m thrilled to have you here as a listener and to be on this journey together.

If anything, this evolution places more emphasis on building your future rather than just managing your current life. Both aspects are still present. The words Brilliant and Balance hold deep meaning. When I started this brand, I had young children at home and was fully immersed in managing the day-to-day. Maybe you’re in that phase now. That was the most important thing I was learning, so it became the foundation of what I wanted to teach.

While balance remains central to the brand—helping women create order around their time and energy—what’s also emerging is the idea of designing your next chapter. It’s about stretching toward what’s possible, fully embodying your talents and gifts, and stepping into the impact you want to have in the world.

If we don’t have balance, we can’t get to brilliance. Managing our current circumstances well gives us the space and courage to explore what’s next. And I’m delighted to be on that journey with you.

Today’s episode is about perception—specifically self-perception—and why we don’t see ourselves the way others do. I imagine that idea makes immediate sense to you.

You’ve likely experienced this perception gap firsthand. Have you ever been getting ready to leave the house, thinking, Ugh, I look terrible today, only to have someone say, You look great!? Or maybe you’ve walked into a coffee shop in a thrown-together outfit, and someone compliments it—on a day when you felt like you weren’t even trying. That’s the perception gap at play.

This disconnect shows up in many areas of life. One of the most well-known examples is body dysmorphia, a condition in which individuals perceive a specific part of their body differently from how others see it. People with body dysmorphic disorder experience an extreme disconnect between their self-perception and objective reality. Often, they fixate on one particular feature they believe is flawed, even when no one else notices anything unusual.

This perception gap isn’t limited to body image. It can also affect how we view our capabilities.

Think about someone you know—maybe a friend, child, or spouse—who underestimates their intelligence, communication skills, or athletic ability. Meanwhile, everyone around them sees no real deficit at all. I once had a colleague who had been deeply affected by a parent’s cruel words: Every time you open your mouth, something stupid comes out. That kind of message embeds itself in our identity, creating a long-lasting perception gap.

We also experience perception gaps around power and influence. Many of us underestimate how much influence we actually have, failing to recognize that we already possess the ability to make meaningful change.

Another common perception gap revolves around wealth and affluence. In a culture of “never enough,” we constantly compare ourselves to people who seem ahead of us. But a broader look at global financial data often reveals that our financial standing is much stronger than we think. Yet, we remain fixated on what others have, wondering, Where is everyone getting all this money?

Then there’s likability. Many people assume they’re not particularly likable or lovable, leading to social anxiety or a tendency to shrink back. They believe everyone else has an effortless magnetism that they lack.

These gaps—whether in body image, capability, power, wealth, or likability—hold us back. If we could align our self-perception with reality, we could step into so much more than we currently allow ourselves.

So why does this perception gap exist? There are three key causes:

1. Being stuck in the past
   We often cling to outdated versions of ourselves. If someone once told us we weren’t good at something, that belief can persist—even when it’s no longer true. Maybe you’ve carried a critical comment from childhood into adulthood, allowing it to shape how you see yourself today.

2. Perfectionism and high standards
   When we hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations, we’re more likely to see ourselves as falling short. Others don’t view us with such harsh scrutiny, but we fixate on the one thing that isn’t “perfect,” rather than seeing the whole picture.

3. Blind spots
   There’s a natural distortion between how we see ourselves (from the inside) and how others see us (from the outside). We are intimately aware of our fears, doubts, and insecurities—things others never see. This gap between internal and external perspectives fuels the perception gap.

What happens when we see ourselves as less than we actually are? We fall into three destructive patterns:

1. Punishing ourselves
   Negative self-talk runs rampant. At its worst, it leads to self-loathing. This inner critic can be relentless, making us our own worst enemy.

2. Proving ourselves
   We overwork, people-please, or seek constant reassurance to validate our worth. Instead of trusting our own value, we look to others for approval.

3. Playing small
   We stay quiet, avoid risks, and hold ourselves back—choosing the safety of the familiar over the possibility of growth.

So how do we break free from the perception gap?

1. Define yourself as you intend to be.
   Get clear on the vision of your highest and best self. Write it down. Use it as a touchstone.

2. Seek outside perspectives.
   Don’t rely solely on your internal narrative. Get objective feedback—whether through data, trusted friends, or professional input.

3. Channel an alter ego.
   Stepping into a more powerful version of yourself can be transformative. Todd Herman’s work on alter egos is an excellent resource for this strategy.

Ultimately, catching up your current perception of yourself with reality is one of the most powerful things you can do. You’ve likely come much farther than you give yourself credit for. Claim that growth. Use it to fuel your next chapter.

That’s all for today. Until next time—let’s be brilliant.