Episode #419 – Closing the Gratitude Gap: Why It’s Hard to Feel Thankful When You’re Tired

This is episode 419 of the Brilliant Balance podcast. Today we’re talking about the gratitude gap—or why it’s so hard to feel thankful when you’re tired.

Every November, my inbox fills up with the same thing. Yours probably does too. I get a whole host of gratitude challenges—you know the kind: write down three things you’re thankful for every day, or start a gratitude jar. November is just the season for this activity.

And listen, I love the idea of those. I’ve probably issued them myself at some point over the years as part of Brilliant Balance. But last year, I remember sitting down one night just kind of exhausted. I probably had half a cup of cold tea next to me, my inbox was overflowing, and I decided, “I’m going to do this thing.” I opened up the journal to make my gratitude list—and I just stared at the page.

Normally, this kind of thing flows right out of me. I have plenty to be grateful for—my business, my health, great people around me—but I just couldn’t feel it. When I unpacked this later, I realized I was just too tired. I was overstimulated. My gratitude circuits were fried, and I couldn’t access that feeling.

So I closed the journal and thought, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I feel grateful? I have so much to be thankful for.” That question sent me down a rabbit hole of research and reflection that led to this episode. Because if you’ve ever found yourself feeling flat or “meh” when you know you should feel grateful, there’s nothing wrong with you. You might just be experiencing what I call the gratitude gap—that space between knowing you should feel thankful and actually being able to access that feeling.

Today I want to unpack why that happens and what you can do about it. As usual, I have three teaching points to share.

1. Fatigue Blocks Feelings

The first thing I learned is that fatigue can actually block feelings. I used to think the opposite, because honestly, when I’m tired, I’m usually more emotional. I cry more readily and get a little feistier—more easily agitated. But fatigue can block positive feelings.

Neuroscience tells us that gratitude isn’t just a mindset—it’s a neurological process. It requires us to access our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for awareness and reflection. It needs to activate and release dopamine and serotonin. But when we’re really fatigued or overly stressed, that same prefrontal cortex goes offline because the body enters survival mode.

And what happens in survival mode? We’re no longer looking for what’s good—we’re scanning for threats. That’s why, when you’re exhausted or approaching burnout, you suddenly notice every little mess in the house or every undone task. But what’s harder to notice are the good things. I hear this all the time from clients who say, “I know I have a great life; I just can’t seem to feel it anymore.”

These women are sleeping five hours a night, constantly multitasking, managing stress from all directions, and their brains never get time to reset. Once we put some rest back in their schedule, the positivity flows back in. They laugh more readily, their energy lightens, and gratitude returns.

So if you can’t feel grateful right now, maybe start by tending to your energy. Instead of forcing your mindset, try forcing some rest. You might be surprised how quickly feeling well-rested makes everything seem brighter. That’s why I so often start with sleep in coaching—it’s the foundation for everything else. You can’t access gratitude if fatigue is blocking your positive emotions.

2. Forced Gratitude Doesn’t Work

The second thing I learned is that forced gratitude doesn’t work. Somewhere along the line, gratitude became another task on our never-ending to-do list. We feel responsible for being grateful because we know we have good lives, and we also know it’s good for us—so we treat it like a productivity exercise, squeezing in a few lines before bed so we can check the box.

But it doesn’t work that way. Forced gratitude doesn’t produce the same benefits as authentic gratitude noticed in the moment. When we fake it, our nervous system doesn’t buy in. The process becomes cognitive instead of emotional. We want to feel gratitude in our bones, not just think it in our heads.

Think about the difference between saying “thanks” to a barista on autopilot versus pausing to really feel thankful that someone made your coffee exactly the way you like it. That second one lands in your body—it’s an entirely different experience.

If your gratitude practice has started to feel flat, try savoring instead of writing. In the evening, recall one or two really good things from your day in vivid detail. Re-feel them. Re-experience the sensations. The laughter, the warmth, the joy. When we do this, we lock in that experience a second time.

So your second takeaway is: don’t force gratitude—feel it. Drop from your head to your heart to your body, and really notice what’s already good. Even 30 seconds of doing this can shift your energy.

3. Gratitude Grows in Flow

The final piece of this gratitude puzzle is the pace at which we experience life. Gratitude requires noticing—and you can’t notice when you’re rushing. If your day feels like a sprint from start to finish, you’re moving too fast to see the good that’s already there.

I realized this at our retreat in Asheville recently. I told my mom, “This is the first year I’ve really dropped into this retreat to feel it.” Usually, because I’m orchestrating everything, I’m flitting above the surface—making sure everyone else is having a great experience. But this time, I paused. I mindfully dropped into the room, noticed people’s expressions, the conversations, the light, the energy—and it was transformative.

A University of California study found that people who practiced mindful slowing—taking short pauses throughout the day to observe their surroundings—reported significantly higher levels of gratitude and joy after just two weeks. It doesn’t take long.

Even small shifts—like single-tasking—can be powerful. When you slow down enough to notice the leaves changing color, the sound of your child’s laughter, or the taste of your coffee, you amplify the feelings of gratitude.

One client of mine renamed her “threshold ritual” the “gratitude pause.” Before she transitions from work to home, she sits in her car for a minute and recalls one or two really good things from the day. That little ritual helps her close one chapter before beginning the next, and she swears it’s changed her evenings.

And when you start doing this, you begin to look for gratitude moments as your day unfolds. You notice the unexpected sunshine, the perfect sunset, the joyful phone call—and you realize gratitude isn’t hiding in big, flashy moments. It’s in the pauses. We just have to slow down enough to see it.

Bringing It Home

If you’ve been struggling to feel grateful lately, give yourself grace. You’re not broken, and you’re not ungrateful—you’re probably just tired. Gratitude needs energy, space, and your full presence to bloom.

Remember these three things:

1. Fatigue blocks feelings. Rest restores your ability to notice the good.

2. Forced gratitude doesn’t work. Authentic, embodied gratitude does.

3. Gratitude grows in flow. Slow down enough to see it.

As we move into this season of thanks, release the pressure to manufacture gratitude. Instead, create the conditions where it can naturally return. Because true gratitude doesn’t come from checking a box—it comes from the awareness that it’s been there all along. We just have to slow down enough to see it.

That’s all for today, my friends. Until next time, let’s be brilliant.