Episode #415 – The Comparison Trap: Break Free from Keeping Up

This is episode 415 of the Brilliant Balance podcast, “The Comparison Trap: Break Free from Keeping Up.”

Thanks for tuning in to today’s show. I was thinking about a story that happened recently as I sat down to record, and it ties beautifully into today’s episode.

I was doing something I’m sure many of you do: scrolling through Instagram. I should have been doing literally anything else, but late in the evening I came upon a post from a friend who had just put in a brand-new backyard pool.

It was the big reveal—the kind where you save up all the in-process shots and then unveil the finished product. It was stunning: a perfectly designed stone patio, lounge chairs lined up just so, sparkling water, beautiful lighting—like a magazine ad for a resort.

The truth is, I had just spent much of the weekend with my husband cleaning up our own backyard. Last year, we pulled out a lot of mature landscaping around our enclosed patio—my little sanctuary—which made me sad, but it had become overgrown. And when you start over, everything is tiny; it’s not beautiful yet. I’ve been lamenting the change.

This summer we planted new shrubs, added flowers, cleaned up the furniture—just trying to get it back to some semblance of what it was. By the end of the weekend, I was feeling pretty good. I thought, “All right, I’m starting to love this space again.” Some of what we planted was finally in full bloom.

And then I saw those photos. In a split second, all that satisfaction evaporated. Suddenly I was thinking, “Our space is nothing compared to that. It looks awful back here.” Then my brain went to, “Maybe we should be doing more. Maybe this will never be enough.”

Just like that, I moved from pleasant contentment—real satisfaction with our progress—to feeling inadequate, all in the span of three seconds.

So what’s a girl to do? Go put in a pool, right? Spoiler alert: we are not putting in a pool. But my brain went there for a minute. I even said to my husband, “I don’t know—maybe we should rethink this. Look at these pictures.”

Comparison is totally human. But if we don’t get a handle on it—if we don’t find our way out of the comparison trap—it can quietly drain the life force right out of us. We get so distracted from our own path that our energy, joy, and ambition get funneled into watching what other people are doing. Honestly, we’re at a moment in history where this is particularly dangerous because of the environment we live in and the sheer amount of comparison available.

Today I want to share three simple truths. Once you see them, you can’t unsee them. My hope is that something here helps you yank your energy and focus away from other people’s “papers” and pour them back into your own path—where they belong, where they’re productive, and where they move your journey forward.

First truth: comparison is an energy leak. The act of comparing drains your energy. When you’re constantly checking what everyone else is doing, you’re spending mental and emotional energy that could be invested in yourself.

Energy is our life force. We have time and energy—where are we going to pour them? If we’re using this precious resource to watch what others are doing, we’re not using it for our own thing. If you could reclaim all the hours you’ve spent looking at other people’s papers—on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, LinkedIn, even in your neighborhood—and redirect that toward your own efforts, it’s amazing what you could produce.

I think of a former client—I’ll call her Sam—who worked at a Fortune 50 company. She was obsessed with who was getting recognition: performance ratings, promotions, public shout-outs in big meetings. She’d come into sessions spinning: “Why wasn’t it me? What am I missing? Why isn’t my work getting recognized?” She spent hours benchmarking herself against colleagues. It was exhausting to watch—and even more exhausting to live—and it became a giant blind spot. She couldn’t see that the comparison itself was the thing in the way.

When she finally had the aha—“Oh my gosh, this is the enemy. Not other people—me. I’m directing my energy to watch them, complain, and compare instead of doing my work”—everything shifted. She stopped doom-scrolling LinkedIn, stepped out of the gossip mill about others’ promotions, and redirected that energy into her own projects. She felt lighter—and she started getting the recognition she’d craved, because she was pouring effort into her work.

So ask yourself: where are you leaking energy by paying attention to what others are doing instead of pouring it into your own work? Where are you in the observer chair—commenting on the game instead of playing it? If you stepped out of comparison, what capacity would open up? That simple shift can unlock momentum. You’ll be surprised by how much latent capacity is there, currently draining away through comparison.

Second truth: comparison distorts the picture. When you compare, you rarely see the whole picture. Most of the time we’re not making a fair comparison—we’ve zoomed in on one aspect of someone else’s life.

In my example, even if I considered our whole home, I was zoomed in on one thing: the backyard. Was it a patio or a pool? I ignored the rest—the façade, the rooms, the kitchen, the basement. We fixate on a single polished slice and decide we’re falling short.

Think about the proverbial “perfect mom” at school—the organized car, full hair and makeup in the drop-off line, kids with matching backpacks in every activity. Everyone knows her, and many feel they come up short. That’s the zoom lens. Until you know the rest of her story—and every “Ms. Perfect” has one—you don’t have a fair comparison. Maybe you are the one others watch, and you’re thinking, “If only they knew what’s undone elsewhere so I can pull off this moment.”

We all have areas where others see the glossy version. We forget that when we look at everyone else and assume that slice is the whole. The polished outside might be messy behind the scenes. There might be hard things going on or invisible support making it possible. That’s true for everyone.

So next time you feel that pang, ask: “Do I have a zoom-lens effect happening? Am I comparing based on one aspect and missing the bigger picture?” I’m not suggesting we hunt for what’s hard in others’ lives to feel better; I’m urging awareness. It’s an unfair comparison when we only look at one part of the story. There is always more to what produced the result we see.

Third truth: comparison pulls you away from purpose—full stop. One of my favorite antidotes to comparison is purpose. When someone gets crystal clear on her values, goals, and the season of life she’s in, other people’s paths lose their gravitational pull. You learn to run your own race.

For years I kept a hand-painted sign in my corporate office that said, “Run your own race.” I returned to that phrase constantly because I could easily have become “Sam,” stuck in comparison, tracking everyone else’s career moments of glory and comparing my whole story to those snapshots. It’s so tempting—especially when we’re not clear on our path.

Those words reminded me to know what I’m about in this season—what I’m chasing and what I value. If I was moving toward that, I could stay on my path. Your path is yours for a reason. If you constantly compare your career, home life, or health to your peers, every time someone gets ahead you’ll feel left behind. But you might be at the perfect pace for you. Maybe you needed a detour or a slowdown; only you know the reasons. When you recognize your choices are purposeful, you can step out of the comparison game: “She got the promotion, but I chose something different because I know what matters to me right now.”

If you keep measuring someone else’s progress curve against where you belong on yours, you’ll spend a lot of life unsatisfied. So ask: What do you actually want right now? What matters to you? What path are you pursuing? Anchoring in those questions weakens comparison’s grip.

I spent the first 15 years of my professional life at Procter & Gamble, very committed to climbing the corporate ladder alongside a peer group. Lately I’ve reconnected with people from that era—now presidents, senior vice presidents, very senior leaders. I’d be lying if I said there’s never a pang when I see it. But I’ve trained myself to say, “That is not my race,” and to cheer them on while I run my own.

There’s a grounded joy that comes from celebrating wins on the path I’ve chosen—the one that’s right for me and brings delight and fulfillment. I have friends from college and grad school doing extraordinary things. If you run in high-achieving circles, you’ll see lots of high achievement. The key is to celebrate their success and then return to your own: “And so am I—on my path, in my way.”

That’s my wish for you: be so anchored in your path that comparison’s grip weakens. And I’ll go further—if you can’t do that, it may be a sign you’re not on your path yet. If your sense of worth depends on beating others in a collective race, consider whether the goal is truly yours. Are you achieving what you set out to achieve?

You have the power to step out of this trap. There’s so much freedom when you do. Notice when comparison shows up. Remember: it drains your energy, distorts the truth, and distracts you from your purpose. Remind yourself, “I don’t know their whole story, and my path is mine for a reason.” As you practice, you reclaim the energy and delight that comparison tries to steal.

If today’s episode resonated, share it with a friend. We all know someone who’s stuck in this trap—someone who needs this reminder this week. Forward the episode and tell her, “I think you need to hear this.”

And if you want help breaking free from the comparison trap and want to explore what we can do for you inside the Brilliant Balance coaching community, visit brilliant-balance.com to see our programs. It’s an opportunity to do this work in real time with other women committed to living their fullest, most brilliant lives.

That’s all for today, my friends. Until next time, let’s be brilliant.