Episode #410 – Are you your own worst enemy?

This is episode 410 of the Brilliant Balance podcast. And today we’re asking a big question: Are you your own worst enemy?

I know that might sound a little dramatic, but if you know me and you know this show, you know we’re going to dig into the pragmatic side of this question. Because if you’ve ever found yourself stuck in perfectionism, second-guessing your own work, or constantly moving the bar higher just when you finally reach it, you might be surprised by how often you’re the one creating the pressure that’s wearing you out.

And I promise you, today is not about blaming yourself or piling on more guilt. That is the very last thing you need. Instead, today is about shining a light on the patterns that make it harder for us to succeed. When we are grown-up overachievers, it’s not that we’re not capable.

But sometimes the way we go about exercising that capability—really fulfilling our potential—can be exhausting. Sometimes the biggest obstacles in our path aren’t actual obstacles. They aren’t deadlines, difficult clients, the competitive job market, or the challenges of raising a toddler or a teenager. They’re the loops we run on in our own minds. Those loops can keep us from ever feeling finished, or even satisfied.

If that resonates with you, then this episode may be mind-opening. I think many of you who listen to this show find yourself somewhere in this pattern, where achievement became a habit you locked into a long time ago.

But knowing what is “enough” can be a chronic source of discontent. My assertion today is that it’s not always external pressure burning us out—sometimes it’s the voice in our own heads.

I vividly remember a story from earlier in my corporate career. I was preparing for a big customer presentation—one of those moments that felt like my next career move was riding on it. I was in sales at the time and had rehearsed this presentation a million times. My talking points were tight. The slides were polished. My boss had looked it over and said, “You’re good to go. Don’t touch this thing.”

But I couldn’t stop. That night, I went back to my apartment, made a pot of coffee, sat down at my kitchen table, and convinced myself that slide three could be better. That led to tweaking slide four, and then slide seven. Before I knew it, it was after midnight, my eyes were burning, and I had rewritten half the deck. By the next morning, when it was time to head to the customer, I was running on fumes.

Here’s the kicker: the customer was super relaxed. They were going to buy no matter what. They probably didn’t even notice a single so-called “improvement” from my midnight frenzy. All that extra effort didn’t move the needle. It just drained me. That was one of the first times I had to admit the problem wasn’t my workload—it was my mindset.

Here’s the paradox: the very traits that make us successful can also turn inward and start working against us. I want to break down three patterns that often underlie this kind of self-sabotage.

1. An Overdeveloped Inner Critic
We all have a voice in our head that isn’t kind. If your inner critic is overdeveloped, you may constantly scan for flaws, convinced that’s how you produce your best work. In some situations that’s helpful—but when you can’t turn it off, even your wins don’t feel like wins. If someone compliments you and your instinct is to brush it off or explain what you could have done better, that’s a sign your inner critic may be more harmful than helpful.

2. Believing Effort Equals Worth
This one runs deep, especially for women who’ve been rewarded for hard work all their lives. Somewhere along the way, you may equate your value with your output. If you’re not grinding, you feel like you’re falling behind. Brené Brown calls this “hustling for our worthiness.” It keeps us in a cycle of overwork, not because it’s needed, but because we’re trying to prove we deserve a seat at the table. The truth? If you equate effort with worth, you’ll never stop—and that chronic state of overwhelm will perpetuate itself.

3. A Moving Definition of Success
This is when the finish line keeps moving. You hit a goal, but instead of celebrating, you think, “Next time I’ll crush it,” or “That was just the warmup.” It’s like running a race where the ribbon moves forward every time you’re about to cross. Without pausing to acknowledge progress, you rob yourself of the motivation that could fuel your next goal. The solution? Celebrate milestones. Take a victory lap. Let yourself feel the win.

Here’s the truth: you cannot bully yourself into greatness. You cannot relentlessly push yourself and expect to feel fulfilled—or even perform at your best for very long. What works far better is learning to see yourself clearly, recognize these patterns, and meet yourself with self-compassion.

Ask yourself: If I said this to my best friend, how would it land? Would it encourage her or cut her down? That’s the invitation—to replace criticism with truth, to let your wins land, and to become your own best advocate instead of your own worst enemy.

Self-compassion isn’t soft. It’s a performance strategy. Research shows that people who show themselves grace when they make mistakes recover faster, learn more, and have more stamina. They’re more resilient because they’re not wasting energy on self-criticism. Self-compassion doesn’t mean lowering standards. It means removing unnecessary friction so you can actually meet them.

So notice when you’re being harder on yourself than necessary. Pause, replace the criticism with truth, and let your wins land. When you do, you stop sabotaging yourself and start advocating for yourself. Self-advocacy will beat self-sabotage every single time.

We somehow learned that being hard on ourselves was a source of motivation. But the next time that harsh voice shows up, you have a choice: let it run the show and keep you feeling awful, or meet it with a kinder, truer perspective. When you consistently make that choice, you’ll be amazed at the energy, creativity, and confidence you free up for the work that actually matters.

So if you recognized yourself in this conversation—if you’ve been tough-loving yourself through life—consider what life could look like if you had someone in your corner reminding you who you are, and that it’s okay to treat yourself with compassion. That’s what we do in BOLD, the circle I talk about often. It’s where women stop sabotaging themselves and start accelerating forward with clarity, courage, and confidence.

If you’re curious, book an exploratory call at brilliant-balance.com/schedule, or learn more about the BOLD experience at brilliant-balance.com/BOLD.

That’s all for today, my friends. Until next time, let’s be brilliant.