Episode #406 – Redefining Reasonable: It’s Time to Stop Overcompensating for Unrealistic Expectations

This is Episode 406 of the Brilliant Balance podcast: Redefining Reasonable – It’s Time to Stop Overcompensating for Unrealistic Expectations.

Sometimes I picture you out there—maybe in your car at 7:30 p.m., takeout in the passenger seat. You’re trying to remember if you signed that permission slip, replied to that important client, or moved the laundry from the washer to the dryer. It feels like you’ve done everything right today. You’ve checked all the boxes.

You probably skipped lunch, stayed late, and still feel like you’re behind. Like somehow, despite all the effort, you’re dropping balls—and maybe you’re starting to think that you’re the problem.

But what if you’re not? What if you’re trying to win a game that’s rigged? Today, I want to offer the radical idea that the problem isn’t you. What if you’re actually fighting an uphill battle against unrealistic expectations?

What if it’s time to redefine what’s reasonable? That’s what we’re talking about today. Maybe the expectations you’re working under are artificial. Maybe your boss has no idea how much you’re actually doing. Maybe the standard you’re holding yourself to isn’t even human. And maybe—just maybe—if you keep quietly compensating for this broken system, nothing will ever change.

I want to point out some hidden issues that lurk beneath the surface, perpetuating this problem and keeping us stuck in a cycle of self-blame. I’ll walk you through this piece by piece because there’s so much freedom on the other side of this realization. I want you to have that lightbulb moment—the insight that unlocks something that’s been keeping you stuck for way too long.

Today, I’m going to cover three big points with some subpoints under each. I want you to sit up a little straighter and really listen, because what I’m about to share could change a lot for you. I know it has for me and for the many women I’ve coached over the years.

So why do we think it’s us? Why do we find ourselves with this unrelenting workload, running hard and never feeling done? That endless to-do list—that awareness that it will never be finished—is a prevalent issue for women in leadership roles. And it’s felt so deeply by so many of us.

The Invisible Labor Trap

First, let’s talk about what I call the invisible labor trap. This is when you’re not just doing your job—the work you’re paid for—but also managing logistics, emotions, planning, prep work, and what-if scenarios no one else sees. In other words, you’re doing the work around the work.

This includes coordination, emotional labor, clean-up, and preparation that keeps everything running but rarely gets recognized. Are you the one prepping the decks for meetings, making all the slides, taking the notes, organizing the off-sites? Do you remember the birthdays, send thank-you cards, smooth interpersonal tensions, and act as the unofficial team therapist or cheerleader?

If your job description included everything you actually do in a day, how long would it be?

You’re also likely doing non-promotable work—the kind that helps the team but doesn’t get you ahead. Maybe you lead a DEI committee, plan the holiday party, or onboard new hires—often with no extra compensation. You might be volunteering for cross-functional work no one else wants because it’s time-consuming. Maybe you’re taking notes instead of driving the meeting.

A University of Pittsburgh study found that women are 48% more likely than men to volunteer for non-promotable tasks. So the problem isn’t that you’re not contributing—it’s that your contributions go unnoticed when it’s time for performance reviews and promotions.

You might also spend time managing up, down, and sideways—buffering people, mentoring junior staff, or anticipating needs before they’re voiced. My boss used to call it “the meeting before the meeting”—those huddles to cushion messages or clean up mistakes. You’re the glue holding everything together—but no one promotes the glue.

On top of that, you might be keeping it all quiet. You don’t want to seem difficult. You just want someone to notice—without having to brag. We’ve been praised for being reliable and told not to toot our own horns, so we protect that reputation by doing more.

But this invisible labor has a cost. It leads to burnout, resentment, disengagement—what some call quiet quitting. It causes missed promotions and raises. You might be seen as supportive, but not strategic—as the helper, not the leader.

When your day is filled with invisible tasks, there’s little time left for visible impact. That’s the trap. And if you’re wondering why you feel like something’s wrong with you, maybe it’s all the invisible labor you’re carrying.

Your Boss Doesn’t Know

The second reason you might feel like the problem is you: your boss doesn’t know—because you haven’t told them.

In coaching, I often hear from women who are overwhelmed by nonstop work—new projects, new reports—and they feel like they just can’t do it all. Especially in hybrid or remote roles, overachievers are suffering in silence.

You say yes. You deliver. You make it look easy. And so the work keeps coming. Hard work is rewarded with more hard work. Why? Because so many women feel they have to overperform just to be seen as competent. In fact, a Deloitte Women at Work survey found that more than half of women feel this way.

You think you’re being a team player, but you may be teaching others to underestimate your workload. You’re rigging the game against yourself by making it look too easy. High-performing women are so good at handling chaos that we unintentionally hide it. We solve problems before they escalate, work during off-hours, and don’t show stress.

If no one sees the struggle, they assume there isn’t one. And if you’re managing perceptions instead of reality, you underreport your workload. You don’t complain because you think everyone else must be managing fine.

But if no one knows what you’re doing, it doesn’t count. That’s heartbreaking. Leaders don’t know what they don’t know. They see outcomes, not effort. They see deliverables, not the process behind them. If you’re the duct tape holding the system together, they’ll think the system is fine.

And if you keep silently compensating for broken systems, your silence becomes complicity. It’s a vote to keep the system in place.

Feedback loops are broken in many companies. Without psychological safety, we won’t talk about workload. If one-on-ones only cover project updates—not well-being or capacity—we build unsustainable systems.

Ask yourself: are you sitting inside an unsustainable system that you’re overcompensating for?

What gets rewarded gets repeated. And if you feel rewarded for overperformance, even if it’s unsustainable, you’ll keep doing it.

So reframe this: when you share the reality of your workload with your boss, you’re not complaining. You’re clarifying. That’s a power move.

Sit down and say:

• “Here’s what I’m being asked to do.”

• “Here’s how long it takes.”

• “Here are the trade-offs I’m already making.”

• “Here’s my recommendation moving forward.”

If your boss doesn’t know the cost, they can’t make it better. It takes courage to speak up, but nothing changes until we do.

The Game Is Rigged

Third, let’s be honest: the game is rigged. Some systems make it nearly impossible to thrive without burning out.

You’re not imagining it. You’re not the only one struggling. Everyone is struggling.

The second shift still exists. Women still do more unpaid work at home, even while working full-time. If you’ve internalized the failure to keep up as a personal flaw—it’s time to stop.

Workplace norms were not designed with you in mind. Many still reflect outdated models—like the 9-to-5 schedule that ignores caregiving, or promotion paths that reward visibility over value. Office politics reward self-promotion over steady performance. And women are less likely to be evaluated on measurable outcomes.

You’re likely held to a higher standard. Research shows women are scrutinized more closely and expected to prove themselves repeatedly. You must be competent and warm, deliver results and maintain morale. Less room for error. Less credit for success.

You might be exhausted not because you’re failing—but because you’re doing everything twice as well for half the recognition.

Success has been redefined, but our systems haven’t caught up. We want to be successful professionals, devoted family members, stylish, fit, spiritual, socially engaged, and calm—all at once. But the structures haven’t evolved to support that.

We can’t chase a version of success that’s never been sustainable. We have to redefine it on our own terms.

Once you see the system clearly, you don’t have to play harder. You get to make new rules—and model those for others. You have more agency than you think.

I see this every day in our BOLD community and in the larger Brilliant Balance community. When women realize it’s not them—when that insight clicks—it’s transformative.

It’s like when I realized clothing that didn’t fit wasn’t a me problem. The garment just wasn’t made for me. I wasn’t broken—it just wasn’t designed for my shape.

The same goes for your work environment. You can’t just contort yourself endlessly. But you can tailor the environment. You can draw boundaries, speak up, and ask for what you need. You can bring others along. You can reclaim your agency.

What You Can Do

When you stop blaming yourself:

• You can set boundaries without guilt.

• You can have honest conversations with your boss, mentor, or colleague about the load you’re carrying.

• You can give yourself grace for being human—not superhuman.

• You can say what you see, instead of assuming it’s just you.

Maybe it’s not you. Maybe it’s the system. And if you speak up, who else might benefit? Who else might you inspire?

This week, name one place where you’ve been blaming yourself for something that may not be yours to own. Say something to someone who needs to know—or do something to change the pattern. Draw a line. Ask for help. Drop the ball if you need to.

Because if you keep covering for it, nothing will change. But if you find the courage to redefine what’s reasonable, everything can.

And that’s when you’ll feel positively brilliant.

If you need support or want to talk about this, reach out. DM me on Instagram @cschoolnicki, visit the website and use the contact form, or reply to any of our emails. I’d be happy to support you.

If today’s message resonated, share it. There are so many women who need to hear this. Be generous and put it in their hands.

That’s all for today, my friends.
Till next time, let’s be brilliant.