Episode #402 – The Surprising Truth About Why You Do It All

This is episode 402 of the Brilliant Balance podcast: The Surprising Truth About Why We Do It All.

If you’ve ever said, “Look, it’s just easier if I do it myself,” this episode is for you.

I’m willing to bet you’re not the only listener nodding vigorously right now. In fact, I’ll admit I’m someone who has said, many times, “Oh my gosh, I’ll just do this myself.”

I remember a particular vacation when my kids were young. We were getting ready to leave for a summer trip—we’d be gone for at least a week. I had three kids who were old enough to dress themselves, but definitely not old enough to choose outfits or pack a suitcase. I spent days packing bags meticulously—making lists, triple-checking flight times, prepping snacks for potential delays…

I had activities ready, checked weather apps, did all the things. To an outsider, it might have looked like I was being a great mom, taking such good care of her family. But in reality, I was being a control freak.

And I was definitely exhausted before we even took off. I thought I was being dependable, but in retrospect, I was showing a complete lack of trust—

In my husband, in myself, in my ability to handle things as they came up. That memory is ringing in my mind—maybe because it’s summer again and many are heading out on vacation, or maybe because my kids are older and I’ve been spending more time on memory lane.

But I almost ruined that vacation by being so stressed—despite having the best intentions to protect everyone and get us ready. It really affected my ability to relax and enjoy the trip. If you can relate to that, I think you’ll find today’s episode helpful.

Because at the root of that story is control. A strong desire to stay in control, to be the person who has it all together, to make sure everything is taken care of. And control often looks like responsibility—until it doesn’t.

As women, we’re socialized to equate control with responsibility. The more we manage, the more responsible we seem—maybe even the more “together.”

From a young age, we’re taught to be mommy’s little helper or the teacher’s assistant. We want to be the line leader. We’re praised for taking responsibility. So we become the “Chief Everything Officer”—at home, at work, in our communities. We step up and say, “I’ll handle it.”

I see this constantly with clients who manage every single task themselves—at work and at home—and wear it like a badge of honor. Until burnout hits.

And what’s really underneath that is fear. An inability to trust others because we’re so invested in staying in control.

There’s a well-established psychological insight here: locus of control theory. I teach this when helping women shift out of a victim mindset—when they feel like things are happening to them.

When we move our locus of control from external to internal, it’s powerful. This theory, developed in the 1950s by Julian Rotter, is about our belief system regarding the causes of life’s outcomes.

If you have an internal locus of control, you believe you’re primarily responsible for your success or failure. It’s the “If I work hard, things will work out” mindset.

If your locus of control is external, you believe outcomes are mostly due to things beyond your control—luck, fate, other people. Your mindset is, “No matter what I do, it just doesn’t matter.”

Neither extreme is ideal. Many women I work with have a very strong internal locus of control—and that’s not bad. It’s part of what made us high-achieving students, excellent professionals, reliable moms, and great partners.

It’s also why we believe we can change our lives if we just work hard enough—and why we do work so hard.

But here’s the kicker:

When your internal locus of control becomes overdeveloped, it can morph into hypercontrol—the belief that everything depends on you. That if you don’t do it, it won’t get done right.

That mindset often leads to micromanagement. If you’ve ever been told you micromanage—at work or at home—it may stem from this.

Hypercontrol leads to burnout because you carry everything yourself. It strains relationships—others feel you don’t trust them or allow them to have control. It creates anxiety and guilt—because if everything’s up to you, everything is your fault.

Over time, it feels like white-knuckling the steering wheel—gripping tightly just to stay on the road. And we lose the ability to enjoy the ride.

While a strong internal locus of control is healthy, hypercontrol isn’t. The key is balance—between personal agency and trust. We must believe we can influence outcomes and trust others and the process of life.

Control becomes a coping mechanism for distrust.

It’s how we deal with low trust in others, in systems, or in life. We think, “If I hold everything in my hands, nothing can fall.”

Ask yourself: What don’t you trust? Who don’t you trust?
Is it your partner? Your team? Your kids? Yourself?

Sometimes we don’t trust our own ability to cope with imperfection—so we try to prevent imperfection.

Several factors influence low trust. A big one is our attachment history—our early relationships, especially with caregivers. I won’t go deep into attachment theory here, but it has a huge impact on our trust levels.

Perfectionism also plays a role. If you identify as a perfectionist, you likely have low trust in others and a high need for certainty.

Whatever the cause, building trust is transformative.

But trust is not passive. It’s not blind faith. It’s an active surrender—a conscious choice to believe that others can rise to the occasion, that imperfection is survivable, that your worth is not based on control.

And on the other side of that choice? Freedom.

Here are three practices to start building trust:

1. Microdelegation

Find small, frequent opportunities to delegate. Resist fixing the outcome.

For example, ask someone to go to the store without giving hyper-specific directions. If they bring home a different brand, maybe you’ll find something even better. This builds evidence that others can handle responsibility—even if it’s not your way.

2. Embrace the 80% Rule

If someone can do a task 80% as well as you, let them. That perfectionism you apply to things like loading the dishwasher or making the bed is often just fear in disguise.

Remember: done is better than perfect—especially when someone else is doing it.

This is your shortcut to freeing up time and avoiding burnout.

3. Sit with Discomfort Without Intervening

When someone drops the ball or gets something wrong, don’t jump in immediately to fix it.

Pause. Sit with the discomfort. Let them recover and learn. This strengthens their confidence and your capacity for flexibility.

Try waiting 24 hours before stepping in. It gives others a chance to own the outcome—and its natural consequences.

Every time you loosen your grip on control, you create space for trust to grow. And trust makes life feel lighter, fuller, more connected.

A few years ago, I came across a phrase that stuck with me: Connection over perfection. It became a mantra. I chose connection with people over perfect outcomes.

That shift has changed how I parent, how I lead, and how I live. I started handing off tasks I normally overmanaged—to my husband, my kids, my team—and resisting the urge to interfere. Only if something really mattered would I step in.

So here’s your challenge:

What’s a task you typically overmanage?
Pick one (or more). Hand it off. Then reflect—what worked? What didn’t? Was it as hard as you thought? Was the result really that different?

Here’s a simple example: my husband once brought home a different brand of bread from the store. My initial reaction was, “This isn’t the right kind.” But I held my tongue.

And guess what? That bread was so much better than the one I’d been buying for years.

Sometimes, when we release control, life surprises us in the best way.

So DM me on Instagram (@cskolnicki) and let me know:
What’s one area where you’re ready to practice trust instead of control?

There’s a strong inverse relationship between trust and control. The more you build trust, the more freedom you unlock.

Share this episode with a friend who needs it.

That’s all for today, my friends.
Until next time—let’s be brilliant.